The Lows

Things suck. I realize that right now I'm being a total hypocrite because I've recently been convicted that I and those around me complain to much about stupid things like the taste of food or unfavorable weather.

But let me put you in my boots in a vague way.

1. Realization of several heart changes that need to be made. This happened a couple weeks ago and there are things in my life that just can't stay the same. Change is always hard, but there's also the hope of a better life in the future.
2. A relational fork in the road that could go one of two ways (Break-up or Commitment). It's not really that I would be totally destroyed by either path, it's just the not knowing which one it will be that's hard. I know exactly which path I would choose if it were up to me (I'm sure you could guess which), but I've come to realize that either one is going to lead to something good eventually. I have no control, no say in the matter. That is hard.
3. Things around me constantly changing. I've led such a comfortable and uneventful life with so many material comforts and now God is teaching me that my material comforts were false all along. It's a healthy realization but also a shocking and uncomfortable one. Making the transition from relying on my world to relying on my God is sometimes overwhelming, yet I know I have to keep at it.
4. Asking for advice is hard. I know a few people that would be cool to talk to, but the opportunity always passes before I see it. I've ended up kicking myself several times for letting those moments get away before I can say anything.

These and maybe... maybe other things that I don't know about have led to my overwhelmment and exhaust. I'm always tired, always trying to let go, cast my burdens on Him. All this and I'm in a position of ministry where I'm supposed to be helping other people out. It's so hard not to focus on yourself when you're feeling like crap, no, that word does not do it justice. It's hard not to focus on yourself when you're feeling like shit. I realize focusing on myself will lead to more demise, but really, I don't know how not to.

I realize all of this can be solved with prayer, time, and continual learning. Humans are short-sighted by nature. When we're in a storm and can't see the end we think it's the end of the world. I realize that the Holy Spirit can help us to overcome that. I realize all of this, but I cannot make the changes happen on my own and that is also frustrating. The thing about spiritual concepts is that we can hear about them and figure them out long before our hearts are actually changed to understand them. Giving your heart over to be changed is the hard part, and you have to learn how to do it in a different way every time.

Excuse my whining, it's a lot of my emotions talking. Also excuse my vagueness, but it really would take a long time to go into details. I hope someone who reads this can relate and find something beneficial in all this negativity.

Note to self: I realize I say the word realize a lot. Expand vocab.