No More

I want to sleep soundly again. To wake and be excited. I pretend to be happy. I pray for and seek real joy. Being home for the weekend is harder than I thought it would be. I can't keep coming back here.

If emotion were a physical object, I would craft myself a great hammer of an ancient oak and solid steel to lay the cruel beast on a mossy tree stump and, with one arcing swing, use every last bit of energy in my body to smash it and collapse to my knees to the sound of distorted guitars, watching gleefully with tears in my eyes as my anguish is seen flying in a thousand different directions, never to be collected and given me to carry again.

On a related and unrelated note:
The book of Job is amazing, I've never read through it before, just the beginning and the end, not the middle where the good stuff is. Job makes my suffering insignificant, I still like being able to relate in a small (over-dramatic) way. The dialog between he and his friends is amazing.

Couch Surfing!

So I've never heard of this before, but I found this website today. It's called Couch Surfing. What is it, you ask? Well, it's not sitting on your couch skimming through TV channels, it's so much more exciting than that.

Couch Surfing is a huge online community of people that are willing to open up their houses for free to let travelers stay with them, hang out with them, show them around their place of residence, and just be generally hospitable. It's not just an American thing, in fact, there are over 200 countries represented in this and over 800,000 couch surfers.

After discovering this two things came to mind. One - this would be a GREAT way to experience a road trip across the U.S. AND a great way to experience Europe. You could do it with a friend or by yourself, either way it would be awesome. Just crashing on people's couches and hanging out with them all over the country/countries. Two - It would be so awesome to have my own place to host couch surfers. It would be such a cool ministry to be able to serve others by letting them use your couch, feeding them, and getting to know them. It's not even something that's very time consuming, you could be hosting couch surfers while working or going to school full-time.

The biggest question from people is: "Is it safe?" which is a good and valid question. They explain all the safety precautions on the website. Things like verifying identity and most importantly, user reviews. On every couch surfer's account you can see all the reviews they've been given as either a host or a guest, so it's basically just seeing someone's reputation with people. If you're a host you can decline any request to stay at your house, and they can't find out where you live until you tell them. Also, the stats on the website kind of speak for themselves. I was on just now and on their statistics page it says that in the past week, there were 14,180 positive, 22 negative feedback. That's a pretty dang good chance for something positive. They also posted that overall 99.794 percent of all experiences are positive (That's 2,058,419 positive experiences!)

Basically I'm just stoked for this. I kind of want to start doing it this summer, but I don't have any money. Might have to wait a little longer. I can't wait to see Europe and meet a bunch of people using this site. Seriously, I AM PUMPED!

Check it out - Couchsurfing.com

Learning to be Thankful

I am thankful for:
- I am saved by Grace. I get to be thankful for eternity.
- My position at Ecola, as well as the awesome staff I have the honor to work with, and also the great student body we have.
- Good health. I haven't been sick once all summer and fall. I think I'm getting sick now, but I haven't been up until this point. Sweet.
- My abundance of possessions. I have too much stuff - what a dumb thing to complain about.
- A home to come to for Thanksgiving.
- Getting to see my uncle Ron for Thanksgiving and him and my other "uncle" Kent live so close that I can go visit them more often.
- A car that, while having a lot of weird little things wrong with it, runs perfectly and gets good gas mileage.
- A lifestyle where finding time for things isn't hard.
- So many opportunities to learn and grow recently, both as a person, and as a person in communion with God.
- The internet!
- My cat. This may seem weird, but my cat is really great.
- Friends. I take friends for granted, but there are some people who really can't say they have any friends. Sad. :(
- Music. I'm glad it was created.
- A cell phone. I really never use it other than as an alarm clock, but when I do need it, it's so nice to have.
- That I'm able to read and write, speak and see and hear. Communication is super cool.
- Enough food around me that I'm able to get fat if I want to. People complain about getting fat, but they're not starving to death - What's to complain about?
- Humor! Seriously, why is everything so funny?

Might update this more throughout the day.

(Small Realizations) Pt.4 of ? - Singleness Pt.1 of ?

Time has been going by... so slowly. Maybe it's just the beach town life, but I don't know, it might have been going slowly before that. It seems quick while it's happening, but when I try to look back a week or two, or even a few days, it seems like so much more time has passed.

I cannot believe that I just "became single" a little over a week ago. It feels like it's been so long.

Other things about being single include feeling... back to normal? I don't know, it's just that I've been single for 20 years of my life. It's a lot more laid back, easy, inexpensive, but a lot less rewarding.

I think I'm single now for a reason - God wants my full attention while being an intern at Ecola. So that's what I'm committing. Do not (try my best) think upon girls until at least summer. This should be fairly easy, as there's a strict no-dating policy between interns and students anyway.

Irony was a big part of this as well. A break-up letter and a book I ordered in order to help fix our relationship arrived on the same day. Ha. Incidentally, one of the saddest times (break-up) was immediately followed by one of the happiest times (Left 4 Dead released). Ha HA! I see a divine sense of humor in all this.

Moving on is hard too. Ideas keep popping into my head of "what if..."s such as getting back together. I realize I shouldn't be hoping for such a thing (as I kind of think it impossible), but it doesn't stop me from the delusional hope of a possibility. Sigh. I wonder how long this will last? Pfft. It's only been a week.

Companionship was great. On this dude's blog (Which was, ironically, linked to me by my "ex") he says he started praying for his future wife way before he even met her. That's a good idea too.

I need to stop blogging about this. I don't know where else to let it out, though. I know that at least someone in the world will sympathize with me if I put it here, even if they don't say anything or reveal themselves.

Good things are around me, good things are coming. There's no reason to be a pessimist. (I've heard three separate messages about Thanksliving in the past four days. So weird. I might write one just keep spreading that cheesy word.)

--

In other news, I saw that new Pixar movie Bolt tonight - in 3D! It was good, top notch Pixar stuff as usual.

Watching some funny Youtube tonight - search for "The Muska Incident" so funny. "I had to rescue the Muska from the bad guys!" XD

Bluetooth headsets - how did we live so long without them?

Steel drums are probably the coolest form of percussion when applied correctly.

If you don't listen to drone music late at night, you should. Check out Loscil, Aidan Baker, Windy & Carl, and Slow Dancing Society.

Black Friday is going to be neat.

Space!

Found this site on StumbleUpon. Very cool. Space is amazing, I wish I could go there.

See tons more here:
Hubble Heritage Image Gallery

(Small Realizations) Pt.3 of ?

The best music is the kind that you don't like at first but love when you come back for a second or third try.

The clear night sky is my favorite of all creation. Besides people of course.

Burps that keep coming back tasting just as foul each time for hours... yuck. For me right now, it's an onion bagel. The onion doesn't like to let me forget that it's still there. I've resorted to swallowing Listerine before and I won't hesitate to do it again.

I'm getting more and more prepared for the zombie apocalypse every day. Left 4 Dead plus zombie movies. Prepare yourselves America. Ezekiel 37 and my loose hermeneutics tell me so.

How do headphones get into such complex knots when you put them in your pocket? Every time.

Being unselfish is hard. Harder as soon as it starts getting easier.

We make bigger deals of things than they really are and we're too prideful to change our ways.

Math Rock and Electro are both great genres I've only scratched the surface of.

Most emotions are very strange and uncomfortable. In particular "missing," "yearning," and "loneliness," are some that I particularly don't like or want to deal with. Sometimes I wish to be a stereotypical Hollywood lone ranger that doesn't have those problems. I would also get cool clothes and some guns.

People don't live thankfully and they need to. We're given so much and yet we complain about it all. Since what we're going to be doing in heaven is thanking God, why aren't we doing it now?

I just finished reading Born After Midnight by AW Tozer. It's a quick read with lots and lots of accessible and good information in it.

Chowder and The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack will save Cartoon Network as we know it.

It's 1:11 AM. Goodnight.

Sleep is a Curse

Why is it so hard for me? I can't sleep. Even when I can, it takes me a long time to get there. When I'm completely out of energy I still can't sleep.

Am I becoming an insomniac? :(

Aerial Photography

Wow. Look: Link.

Confession

When activity dies down;

When I'm alone with my thoughts;

When I run out of things to do;

I start to miss her.

Her subtle giggle,

Her warmth (and cold),

Her sense of purpose,

Her honesty and conviction.

And when it comes down to it,

No matter what I do,

I can't really do anything.

Learning to live without.

It's Not Really What You Think...

I realized today in one of my Ecola intern classes that foreign missions isn't really what I thought it was. I guess I may have realized this last year at Ecola when we had our missions class, but I don't really remember.

Foreign missions doesn't always have to be wearing a loin cloth and joining a tribe and preaching the Word.

For most people, foreign missions is as simple as this:
1: Get a profession.
2: Take that profession to an unreached or less-reached part of the world.
3: Do your job of choice well and live intentionally to let your light shine so that people start asking questions.

If you take out step two, that's how Christians should be living locally anyway. It's just a matter of doing exactly the same thing in a less-reached part of the world. The only thing that makes it harder is adjusting to a new culture and finding fellowship there.

Foreign missions is much more appealing to me now that I know that having my career of choice and being a foreign missionary aren't mutually exclusive. I'm still a long way off from deciding, but I'm curious as to where I'm going to end up.

Not everyone is supposed to live in the jungle. Not everyone should have a preacher-style approach to missions. That is good to know.

...And Do Whatever

So I was sitting in my intern class today (I'm an intern at Ecola Bible School) and our teacher said something very interesting to me that kind of blew my mind. My mind was blown today. It was mainly this quote:

Love, and do what you like.
-Saint Augustine

I don't really know who Saint Augustine is, but that quote rings very true to me. Also, when the teacher said it, he said "Love God, and do what you like," which makes more sense to me but still. The class was about trying to find out God's will and this concept was a sub-point. The teacher was saying that we can figure out God's unrevealed will (Our future, and choices to be made) by consciously carrying out his revealed will (Principles, promises, and commands in scripture), which goes hand in hand with this quote.

So to find out God's will, all we have to do is love and then do whatever we want. This can sound very liberal and non biblical until examined. In order to live out this lifestyle, one can't let these two things contradict each other. Let's look at this:

Love for God can be carried out in these ways:
1: Prayer, Bible Intake, Worship - Basically growing closer to God by the usual means. Worship can be what you make it, so don't associate the word with the act of singing modern "praise songs." Everything you do in life can be made into worship, which leads me to...
2: Living Intentionally - Many Christians think that by living their normal lives, they're being a "light to the world" as we're commanded to. That's partially true, but just living life like normal isn't going to do that. You need to always, ALWAYS be giving 100% towards letting your light shine as bright as you can. Simply hanging out and having a good time isn't going to set you apart from the rest of the world like we're commanded, you must always be having a servant and giving mindset, putting others ahead of ourselves. Jesus tells us in the sermon on the mount to "Let your light shine so that men may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven," and Paul tells us to "Work out our salvation..." Christianity is not works-based, but in order to live the Christian life, we must always be giving EVERYTHING in us to let our lights shine brighter. Which leads me to...
3: Fellowship - Christians also sometimes think that fellowship is just hanging out with other Christians, similar to how they think that you can just live a passive, easy lifestyle and claim that you're being a witness by the way you life. No, fellowship is more than that, it's keeping each other accountable, it's sharing your hopes and fears, it's telling other about what God is doing in your life, it's being completely transparent, it's trusting and relying on the rest of the body of Christ. Fellowship is not talking to other Christians about school, your job, your life, and never even mentioning God or His place in your life and how you're doing in your walk with him. This must be remembered when meeting with other Christians.
4: Furthering the Kingdom - This goes with my second point, about living intentionally, and is very similar. We must always be on the look out for ways in which we can make God's name glorified among men. Selfishness isn't an option.

I realize most of these things, many people already know, but it doesn't help to be reminded. This is also not an exhaustive list of ways we can live lives pleasing to God. But when you're striving to live a life pleasing to God, you're living in God's revealed will for your life. What about his unrevealed will? How will we ever figure that out?

I learned tonight that we shouldn't worry about God's unrevealed will for our life. If we concentrate on doing what we know is right and move forward with our lives, we're putting ourselves in the best position to let God guide us. If we focus on what God will have in our future, we'll just be sitting there clueless and not getting anywhere. Like a ship, it must be moving forward for the rudder to be able to steer it. We must be moving forward in our Christian walks in order for God to guide us.

But what if you have a fork in the road and don't know which way to go? My response to that would be to decide which path you'd most like to take, keeping in mind you're trying to live a life pleasing to God. Sometimes the decision can be hard, but standing in one spot never helps. Seek counsel from other mature Christians and tell them what's going on and let them help you to examine the decision in front of you, but don't let them tell you what to do.

There was another quote, but I'm not exactly sure who said it or exactly how it goes. I will paraphrase: God is not in the business of making maps. Rather, he gives us flashlights to see the road directly ahead of us. It makes sense.

All in all, the easiest way to look at the Christian life is that St. Augustine quote I put at the beginning. If we're striving to live a life pleasing to God, it should be easy for us to press on into the unknown. If we know that we're doing all we can to live out God's revealed will for us, the future and God's plans for us shouldn't be worried about, even though we have the tendency to do just that.

I owe a lot of what is written here to God speaking to me through L██ B███████ at M████ B████ and the class he gave us tonight.

The Lows

Things suck. I realize that right now I'm being a total hypocrite because I've recently been convicted that I and those around me complain to much about stupid things like the taste of food or unfavorable weather.

But let me put you in my boots in a vague way.

1. Realization of several heart changes that need to be made. This happened a couple weeks ago and there are things in my life that just can't stay the same. Change is always hard, but there's also the hope of a better life in the future.
2. A relational fork in the road that could go one of two ways (Break-up or Commitment). It's not really that I would be totally destroyed by either path, it's just the not knowing which one it will be that's hard. I know exactly which path I would choose if it were up to me (I'm sure you could guess which), but I've come to realize that either one is going to lead to something good eventually. I have no control, no say in the matter. That is hard.
3. Things around me constantly changing. I've led such a comfortable and uneventful life with so many material comforts and now God is teaching me that my material comforts were false all along. It's a healthy realization but also a shocking and uncomfortable one. Making the transition from relying on my world to relying on my God is sometimes overwhelming, yet I know I have to keep at it.
4. Asking for advice is hard. I know a few people that would be cool to talk to, but the opportunity always passes before I see it. I've ended up kicking myself several times for letting those moments get away before I can say anything.

These and maybe... maybe other things that I don't know about have led to my overwhelmment and exhaust. I'm always tired, always trying to let go, cast my burdens on Him. All this and I'm in a position of ministry where I'm supposed to be helping other people out. It's so hard not to focus on yourself when you're feeling like crap, no, that word does not do it justice. It's hard not to focus on yourself when you're feeling like shit. I realize focusing on myself will lead to more demise, but really, I don't know how not to.

I realize all of this can be solved with prayer, time, and continual learning. Humans are short-sighted by nature. When we're in a storm and can't see the end we think it's the end of the world. I realize that the Holy Spirit can help us to overcome that. I realize all of this, but I cannot make the changes happen on my own and that is also frustrating. The thing about spiritual concepts is that we can hear about them and figure them out long before our hearts are actually changed to understand them. Giving your heart over to be changed is the hard part, and you have to learn how to do it in a different way every time.

Excuse my whining, it's a lot of my emotions talking. Also excuse my vagueness, but it really would take a long time to go into details. I hope someone who reads this can relate and find something beneficial in all this negativity.

Note to self: I realize I say the word realize a lot. Expand vocab.