The Lack of Love, It's Disheartening

I've been thinking a lot. Being here in San Diego with no accountability (besides facebook correspondence) has made me a little depressed after living at Ecola for a year. It's like quitting fellowship cold turkey, and it sucks.

So, right, thinking. I was thinking about what kind of impression I make on people that first meet me. We're supposed to be the "light of the world" but I can't see myself doing that right now. It's not that I don't know how. I know I'm supposed to be loving and that that is the key to it all. It's just that around people I'm uncomfortable with I tend to not talk very much. I feel like after meeting someone I give off more of the impression of "a nice quiet kid" than someone who is more loving than anyone else they know. I know I can't just make this leap in one step, but it frustrates me that I've just now realized this.

It's not just in meeting people for the first time, I was trying to analyze how I'm being loving to people I already know. I don't go out of my way to do so. I think in general I'm usually pretty kind to everyone, but I know I can get sarcastic at times, and I can complain at times, and I can mope at times. I feel like if I'm not around people I love being around that these "at times" moods I get in come out more.

This all makes me question myself a lot and beat myself up about it (Not the right reaction, I know). It makes me wonder how serious I am about following Christ. It scares me. But it also is doing good: It's given me a major project to work on and has given me more focus in showing love to others.

Most of all, it gives me one big important lesson: The church is important. We need to stick together in love, and if I'm not in continual fellowship and accountability with other Christians I become stagnant. People always emphasis "Make sure you're praying and reading your Bible every day" but they're also leaving out an important ingredient that I hadn't realized was that important until now. Must note for future.