Hello 2:00AM

I prefer you to 2:00PM

Meet my friends Windy & Carl.

The Lack of Love, It's Disheartening

I've been thinking a lot. Being here in San Diego with no accountability (besides facebook correspondence) has made me a little depressed after living at Ecola for a year. It's like quitting fellowship cold turkey, and it sucks.

So, right, thinking. I was thinking about what kind of impression I make on people that first meet me. We're supposed to be the "light of the world" but I can't see myself doing that right now. It's not that I don't know how. I know I'm supposed to be loving and that that is the key to it all. It's just that around people I'm uncomfortable with I tend to not talk very much. I feel like after meeting someone I give off more of the impression of "a nice quiet kid" than someone who is more loving than anyone else they know. I know I can't just make this leap in one step, but it frustrates me that I've just now realized this.

It's not just in meeting people for the first time, I was trying to analyze how I'm being loving to people I already know. I don't go out of my way to do so. I think in general I'm usually pretty kind to everyone, but I know I can get sarcastic at times, and I can complain at times, and I can mope at times. I feel like if I'm not around people I love being around that these "at times" moods I get in come out more.

This all makes me question myself a lot and beat myself up about it (Not the right reaction, I know). It makes me wonder how serious I am about following Christ. It scares me. But it also is doing good: It's given me a major project to work on and has given me more focus in showing love to others.

Most of all, it gives me one big important lesson: The church is important. We need to stick together in love, and if I'm not in continual fellowship and accountability with other Christians I become stagnant. People always emphasis "Make sure you're praying and reading your Bible every day" but they're also leaving out an important ingredient that I hadn't realized was that important until now. Must note for future.

Pharisaical Tendencies

Disclaimer: I'm filthy, I'm guilty, I'm struggling.

Things I don't like: When people put their prayers to God in their Facebook status. I see it every day. It seems to me exactly what the Pharisees did - praying their prayers out loud for everyone to hear to puff themselves up. I know the intentions may be good (maybe...) but this has to stop.

⁵ "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶ But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

-Matt 6:5,6 NIV

And I shouldn't need to tell you the harm this can cause to people who are basing their knowledge of Jesus on your life. I say this in love.

Seeking rebuke-in-return here. Feel free.

edit: To clarify, I don't think there's anything wrong with praising God in your status, asking for prayer requests in your status, or generally theming your status about things above. It's a good thing.

The Past

I just finished watching this movie called Awake. Terrible actors, wonderful movie. Anyways, there's a scene where he sees something in his past that he completely blocked out before then, and it sorta makes me wonder if I've done that at any point. Something that I just made myself forget. Nothing comes to mind (duh), but it's an interesting concept - especially if it can actually be done. Amazing thing, the brain.

Something else sort of related that I was thinking about earlier today: What events growing up turned me into the person I am today. Cause and effect sort of thing. Thinking about an aspect of myself, like why I'm so quiet around people I don't know all that well? What happened as a child that made me like that, or was I just made like that? My mom told me she was shy all through highschool and now she's exactly the opposite. How did that happen? Am I actually not a shy person? Will I one day become a social butterfly like she is? Can anyone do that? I don't mind being shy, that's not what I'm getting at - I'm perfectly content being shy like I am. I'm just wondering what sort of events in a persons life trigger dramatic shifts in personality.

I guess this is all just psychology.

In other news, I got a haircut today - the first time in years that I've actually gotten it professionally cut. I usually just have my mom do it. I'm very pleased.



Also: Slow Dancing Society and Windy & Carl are my new ambient/drone obsessions. Thought I'd share.

Some Thoughts On Prayer

"⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷That man should not think he will recieve anything form the Lord; ⁸he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."
James 1:5-8 NIV

Reading this last night was hard for me to grasp. I mean, it's hard not to doubt because you don't know the mind of God. To me, to ask for something and then just assume that it will be given in the way I want seems foolish. I suppose this isn't really what this passage is saying, but it sort of feels like that. It's hard for me to not doubt that God will answer a prayer, because he may have in mind something totally different for me. I guess when James mentions believe and not doubt he's probably not referring to believing that your prayer will be answered in the way that you want, but in the way that God plans.

It does make sense, but I've just sort of been struggling with this lately. When I ask God for something, I don't know if I should expect it to be answered in a certain way. I feel like if I completely expect God to answer my prayer, I'm being too bold or something and then when I feel like I'm only halfheartedly expecting anything, I'm being the kind of double-minded man James is talking about. It's a good thing he sheds further light on the subject later in the book:

"³When you ask, you do not recieve because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."
James 4:3 NIV

Most of the time I have this inner struggle is when I'm asking for something for myself, but it's not always for selfish motives. Sometimes it's for God to make a change in me to become more like Him, or give me a position to more effectively serve. I have no idea why this is so except that it's tough to know when you're being selfish, so you've always got to be examining why you're asking for something. For instance, maybe I'm asking to be conformed to God's image in order to impress someone, or maybe I want that position to serve God because it's where I feel most comfortable. Selfish motives just trickle in.

It's neat how after writing down your thoughts they make more sense. I landed in San Diego yesterday and it's been cloudy, which is lame. On the upside, the room I'm staying in is just bomb-diggity. Pictures soon. The house is gnarly cool, my dad just moved in so it's still a mess, but the awesomeness just shines through it. Really high ceilings, exposed beams, plasma mounted on wall, post-modern artsy couches and lamps. I set up the computer that I'm typing on now to use three monitors instead of one.


Yeah here it is. I love it.

On a completely unrelated note, never let a girl write 'I ♥ K██████' on your hand in a pen that doesn't come off easily; After seeing that on yourself for hours on end, you start to kinda believe it. :|

I Just Became a... Boy

I told two different girls today that they were 'a better man than I.' What does that say about my manhood? Should they take that as a compliment? These are questions we must all ask ourselves.

Flying to San Diego in several hours.

Ongoing: Things That Amplify Infatuation

Amplified Infatuation: Increased feelings of affection or desire for a member of the opposite sex through various common aesthetics.

This is just me, I have no idea if other people feel the same sensations with these things or not (feel free to share in comment form). Also: This isn't about or inspired by anyone specific, just noticing trends over the years.

• Lights at night in several different ways:
  • Streetlights against a black sky.
  • Warm lights from inside small houses seen from outside.
  • Bright directional lights shining in your face, especially when colored.
  • Most importantly, the way it casts shadows.
• Ambient music, deep house music, anything down-tempo. Proper application of reverb on guitar.
• A light, cool breeze on the face. Works best during late afternoon, but can be effective at night too.
• Hot water including hot tubs, sink water, showers.
• Incense, perfume, fruit gummies, sometimes shampoo.

More on this later.