Tearing Sutures Out

But he somehow keeps smiling in spite all of that,
While I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad
Oh, how selfish of myself to always say that it was more than I could take,
Like it was pain I could not shake,
Like it could break me with it's fingers, throw my body in the lake,
And I would slowly sink away
But the Truth is it was sorrow that I made and would not face.
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering
And uncertainty in happiness and death,
Because what's next is such a mystery to me.
I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see.
--La Dispute, The Last Lost Continent

So often in life this defines me. No, not at the moment, at the moment I'm doing fine. I was just reading over these lyrics tonight and realized how accurate this was to my life. When I get depressed or down, I find myself staying that way just for the sake of staying that way, like it brings some sort of twisted comfort to me. It just comes so naturally and I don't really know what to think of it.

Being 'down' also comes very naturally to me. I remember a few weeks ago, one of our teachers told us to come to class depressed to get into the right mood for Ecclesiastes, his topic for our class. I was like, "I could totally do that," because I think I usually just default to that. Like, staying optimistic is like holding onto a rope ladder, and all I have to do is let go and fall backwards to walk around with an ornery look on my face, not feel like being around people, and see everything pessimistically. Even during good times where I'm generally bright and cheery, I can put myself in this mode almost instantly.

But really, I'm not letting go of that rope ladder very often. Things are alright. I need to update more.